Who Does Not Search?



Adoptees Who do Not Search

Tino Musso’s article, “Why Adoptees are Afraid to Search,” explores many of the reasons why some adoptees do not search.

Non-searchers have their own reasons for not searching. Sometimes it’s a lack of curiosity Some say they have no need to search and do not think about searching. Another reason that some adoptees do not search is the feeling that they will be hurting their adoptive parents. A recent statistic estimated that over half of the adoptees who search do not tell their adoptive parents until their search is completed.

Other non-searchers are what adoptee and therapist, B.J. Lifton, refers to in her book “Lost and Found: The Adoption Experience” as militant non-searchers. These non-searchers are often critical of those who do search. They can be vocal about the fact that they are not interested in searching.

In The Lifelong Search for Self, Brodzinsky writes: "A good many adoptees consider the stress of adoption something that they cannot change and would be better off ignoring so they can get on with their lives. These people reveal little inner turmoil about being adopted; they have either suppressed or denied or minimized the significance of adoption in their own lives. This is simply a coping style, and for many people it works... at least until a phone call from a birth mother or the uncovering of a genetic illness makes denial no longer possible."

Fear of rejection is another common reason that adoptees may not search.

Birth Parents Who do Not Search


Many birth parents spend years doing all they can to pretend that they have dealt with their adoption issues. As long as they linger in denial, they may not realize the benefits of reuniting with their children.

Fear of “disturbing or bothering” their children or the adoptive parents is a major factor as well in non-searching birth parents. Many birth mothers were told that it would be wrong or hurtful or intrusive of them to search, and they took it to heart. They worry about upsetting or hurting their children.

There is a plethora of reasons why birth parents may not search. Many of their fears have some basis in reality. Some are virtually groundless.

Some birth parents may not search because they are uncertain as to how to explain the situation to the rest of the family. Many birth parents judge themselves harshly, and expect that everyone else will as well. In practice, however, most family members are supportive and understanding.

Another factor that discourages birth parents from searching is that they simply do not have any knowledge about how to search. Many birth mothers were given little or no documentation about the birth and adoption of their children, and many remained silent and isolated. Therefore, searching may seem an impossible feat.

A significant reason why birth parents do not search is often overlooked. They simply do not understand how much joy and healing reunions can provide. Nor do they understand that reunions are positive and often much longed-for by adoptees.

Previous Chapter | Table of Contents | Next Chapter

Credits: Jan Baker