The Second Rejection, Page 2
It is the different way we address these wounds that is at the heart of my own experience with the second rejection. As long as I was still in the deep sleep of denial over how adoption etched me, my birthmother felt safe to be very forthcoming in our relationship. The fact that I've come to address these issues, these wounds of mine, holds a certain terror for her, I think, since she has always minimized her adoption experience, as in "I had a great pregnancy, I knew I was carrying you for Bee and Bob, and I've never believed in ownership of children."
My birthmother's response is a variation on a theme that Dr. Severson says often occurs in the reunion experience as birthparents encounter the fullness of their children's emotions and responses. "They can be overwhelmed about the intense, deep sorts of needs and yearning that adoptees often have. And they can just withdraw, it's just too frightening. I think most second rejections that occur literally, occur out of fear, mostly, and not knowing how to respond." (It can also happen vice versa, with the adoptee overwhelmed by the needs of the birthparent.)
Sometimes the birthparent--most often the birthmother--doesn't feel free to respond to her newly-returned "child" in the way her instincts would guide, hamstrung as she is by allegiances to her existing family, especially her husband, notes Dr. Severson.
"When the full weight of what this means bears in on a spouse, and for awhile the birthparent becomes almost a stranger, that spouse can put a whole, whole lot of pressure on the birthparent."
This can lead to painful choices that pit a birthmother's instincts and heart's desires against the harsher demands she may feel pressing in on her. In this way, the birthmother- or birthfather--experiences another kind of second rejection, of the sort that occurred when she had to reject an entire realm of response within herself--and indeed felt it rejected by those close to her--in order to relinquish her child for adoption. This can stir up old anger, another elephant in the reunion room, who sits in many laps.
Whenever I attend our local support group, I can count on hearing at least one birthmother complaining about her adult child's confusing, ambivalent, "push-pull" behavior, which she will often perceive as rejection. I usually offer some insight into primal anger, for notwithstanding the old debate regarding Did-We-Or-Did-We-Not-Abandon-Them, I believe that regardless of how we--including adoptees--frame it within our adult, intellectual perspective, there is rooted in the adoptees' experience a profound sense of rejection registered on the most primal level, at our most tender marrow. Dr. Severson cautions against regarding the anger as simply a "stage", which implies some sort of term limit.
"It co-exists with all these other feelings, and it doesn't go away. It exists because it's reality-based. It's human. And then when it comes boiling out it frightens everybody, especially if they've not read anything or talked to anybody, are not in therapy or a support group, and it's kind of like 'Where's this anger coming from? It shouldn't be there because after all, we're having this nice, happy reunion.' "
Marcy Wineman Axness, an adoptee, lives in California with her husband and two children. She writes and lectures nationwide on adoption and pre- and perinatal issues. She welcomes correspondence at her e-mail address, axness@earthlink.net
© Marcy Wineman Axness
California
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