Tasks at Reunion, Page 5

Integrating Your New Family Member Into Your Life

When you reunite with a birth family member, many decisions must eventually be made about what this person means to you, and how they fit into your life.

The term “intimate strangers” has been used to describe the connection between birth family members as they reunite. For many, there is an instant comfort level and familiarity. For others, the birth family member may seem like a complete stranger. Perhaps for the majority, feelings fall somewhere in between: not strangers, but not close family members either.

Early reunion is a time to get to know one another and determine how much you want to be involved in each others’ lives. You may know immediately, or it may take some time.

Adoptees at Reunion

Adoptees are sometimes surprised at the depth of the feelings that can surface for them at reunion. This is particularly the case for an adopted person who, previously, had not acknowledged that adoption or their birth family mattered much to them.

An adoptee’s healing is not unlike what a parent who relinquishes a child to adoption may experience. Obviously, there are also some significant differences as well.

While fear, guilt, and shame may be present in both adoptees and birth parents, these feelings generally involve different sources for adoptees. At reunion, adoptees and birth parents alike fear the outcome and have worries about being rejected. However, many adoptees may enter into reunion already carrying baggage from feeling rejected by their birth parents when the adoption occurred.

Connecting with others is often said to be the toughest task for adoptees. Although not all adoptees are the same, it is not uncommon for adoptees to have some difficulties with connections and relationships. Some of these difficulties may relate to the fact of being relinquished.

Reunion and Dealing With Others

And I look again towards the sky as the raindrops mix with the tears I cry. ~ Unknown

Reunion is an all-consuming experience for reuniting triad members. Friends and families may feel slighted with the total absorption in this new person in your life.

You may talk about your new-found birth family member non-stop. And if that person doesn't call or email often enough, you may react in a manner that does not appear to be rational or reasonable. In short, you may seem obsessed. There are several points to remember in this regard:

1. It is perfectly normal to seem overly enamored with your newly found birth family member. There is an intimate connection to this person and to finally have the chance to know them is a very exciting event.
2. Few people outside the adoption world understand how important this new relationship may be. Reunion relationships are unique, and therefore, what is the "norm" for this type of relationship may not seem "normal" to other family members. You may need to reassure your family that your seemingly obsessive behavior, or hypersensitivity is normal - for adoption reunions.
3. The “normal” circumstance is that children are raised by the parents who gave them life. Therefore, what happens –outside that “norm” may not appear “normal.”

As common as being obsessively involved in your new relationship may be, it is wise to be aware of the situation, and try not to go off the deep end. Make time for other important people in your life. Assure the rest of your family that you will settle down and be able to put your birth family member in perspective in your life.

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© Excerpted from the Adoption.com Guide to Search and Reunion, published by Adoption Media, LLC

Credits: Jan Baker