Tasks at Reunion, Page 4
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Forgiveness is a necessary component in the healing process. Holding onto anger and negative feelings for others, and society in general, can have a poisonous affect on your life. Forgiveness is more about what it can do for you than those who harmed you and led you to make a decision that has gravely impacted your life.
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting,. Nor does it not mean that you condone or unthinkingly accept the treatment you received. It simply means that you choose to move past the anger, sense of betrayal, the disappointment, and not let them wreak havoc on your life forever..
Taking Responsibility
Birthmother responsibilities
One of the biggest complaints expressed by some reunited adoptees seems to be birth mothers who refuse to deal with the past and accept some responsibility for the way things happened.
Occasionally, when it is suggested to birth mothers that they need to say they are sorry, they bristle and reject the idea. They feel adamant that since the adoption was not their fault, they do not need to apologize or ask for forgiveness.
If it's never our fault, we can't take responsibility for it. If we can't take responsibility for it, we'll always be its victim. ~ Richard Bach
Some birth mothers have difficulty taking responsibility for the adoption because it is simply too painful. Regardless of why the adoption occurred, it might benefit the reunion relationship if the birth parents can honestly acknowledge some part in the adoption decision. For some adoptees, a simple “I am sorry” might be intensely healing.
Adoptee responsibilities
Adoptees have some responsibilities at reunion as well. If they did the searching, their responsibilities are even greater. Although adoptees have the right to search for and attempt contact with their birth families, they should be fully aware of the impact that their decision will have on many lives.
Birth parents deserve the same basic respect that an adopted person would accord anyone else. After that, their birth parents need to earn any respect or trust.
Adoptees have a responsibility to accept their birth parents for who they are. It is not acceptable to pretend or deny the blood ties that connect birth parents and adoptees. A birth mother is not just a friend. Although calling her “mom” is not required, introducing her as a “friend” is unfair and unacceptable.
Both adoptees and birth parents have a responsibility to educate themselves about adoption in general. Reading specifically about the era in which the adoption occurred is wise for all parties. It can contribute greatly to understanding and hopefully create a sense of reciprocal compassion.
One’s first step in wisdom is to question everything – and one’s last is to come to terms with everything. ~ Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
© Excerpted from the Adoption.com Guide to Search and Reunion, published by Adoption Media, LLC
Credits: Jan Baker
