Celebrate National Adoption Awareness Month - 30 days of ideas to help promote adoption.

Tasks at Reunion, Page 3

Forgiveness

As Gandhi said, "In an eye for an eye world, the world would soon be blind."
This quote is a from a short article at Adoption.com about “How to Forgive.” It mentions that forgiving is not forgetting – so important to keep in mind!

Forgiveness comes into play a great deal during search and/or reunion. The list of those to forgive can be quite lengthy, including oneself.

Birth mothers may need to forgive:

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you. ~ Unknown

Family - For many birth mothers, their anger begins with their families. From lack of support and encouragement to keep her baby, to intense pressure to relinquish, her family may have played a vital role in her relinquishment.
Religious Advisors - Many women were counseled heavily by religious figures they respected and trusted. Yet, ultimately with the passage of time, these women came to believe that their trusted advisors may not have been so wise in guiding them towards the adoption option.
Birth fathers - Birth fathers are often considered “bad guys” in the adoption decision. Many women who relied upon the fathers of their babies to be strong and supportive were sorely disappointed.
Social workers- Some birth mothers were subjected to unrelenting pressure from social workers to place their babies for adoption. The most extreme examples were in maternity homes which offered continuous “counseling” by social workers.

I demand for the unmarried mother, as a sacred channel of life, the same reverence and respect as for the married mother; for Maternity is a cosmic thing and once it has come to pass, our conversation must not be permitted to blaspheme it. ~ Ben Lindsey

Society – Some women may not have experienced any direction pressure or coercion. However, even those women may be sorely disappointed in a society that offered neither birth control, abortion or support for women in crisis pregnancies to parent.
Yourself – Although there is a lot of blame to be distributed when birth mothers finally deal with the loss of their children to adoption, many women blame themselves the most. Forgiving yourself is often the most difficult task for many birth mothers as many regret that they were not stronger and wiser.
Adoptive Parents – In most cases, the adoptive parents have done nothing to forgive. However, when the adoptive parents close an open adoption, that will need to be dealt with by a birth mother at reunion. It will be an extremely difficult act to forgive.

Adoptees may need to forgive:

Only the brave know how to forgive; it is the most refined and generous pitch of virtue human nature can arrive at. ~ Laurence Stern

Birth Parents- Any reaction that an adoptee has towards his/her birth parents may or may not be affected by the success of their adoption. Adoptees whose lives have been less successful may possess inordinate amounts of angry feelings and blame their birth parents.
Adoptive Parents- In most situations, the adoptive parents’ category need not apply. However, in instances in which the adoptive parents withheld information about the birth family, or prevented or otherwise cut off visits, adoptees might understandably be angry with their adoptive parents. Any deceptions or untruths by adoptive parents may surface at reunion and they may need to be forgiven for those.

As you sojourn through life, forgive. No matter what has been done to you, said about you, or how painful it may be. In the end you will feel the warmth of the tapestry of love you've created. ~ Juan L. Christian

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Credits: Jan Baker

Tasks at Reunion, Page 3

Forgiveness

Reunion

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