Tasks at Reunion, Page 2

• Numbness and Denial
  In early reunion as you begin to process your grief, you may be in a stage of suspension. You might be feeling numb or in a state of denial. Denial is safe and nearly pain-free. It is also a protective survival mechanism. Some triad members remain in this stage and never progress. Birth mothers sometimes describe this cocoon-like time as being “in the birth mother closet.”
• Awakening /Anger/Rage
  For those who do emerge from that comfortable, safe closet of denial, the shock may be profound and abrupt. You may come out fighting mad, and struggle to find ways to deal with the anger that has descended upon you. Many birth family members may be quite shocked to find that issues they believed they had dealt with were, instead, covered up and ignored.
  Reunion may also awaken feelings that you never realized existed. Let your anger play itself out. If you have been in the denial mode for decades, this may take some time. Look for positive ways to channel your anger. Activism, writing, and exercise are all healthy ways to put your anger to good use.
• Negotiation/Examination
  During this stage, triad members often become very introspective. Allow yourself to explore hard places that you may not have touched in the past. Use a skilled adoption therapist to help if necessary.
• Working it Out/Acceptance
  Use what you learned during your period of self-examination and education to work through your grief. The full impact of your loss may not hit until reunion. It is somewhat of a conundrum. Birth parents may grieve and face their loss at the precise moment in time when reconnecting with their child. If it sounds confusing, living it can be very stressful and perplexing as well.
  Eventually, you must work through your feelings and accept the finality of an adoption. You must accept what you are unable to change. Acceptance is one of the most difficult stages for many reuniting birth family members.

How long will the grieving, recovery and healing take?

Suppressed grief suffocates, it rages within the breast, and is forced to multiply its strength. ~ Ovid

Several factors will affect your healing:

• How well you grieved your loss initially;
• How much time has passed since the adoption;
• How you react to stress and trauma; and
• What type of therapy or support you may receive.

There are no fixed parameters for how long the healing may take. We all heal at different rates. However, the effects never completely diminish. Adoption loss is permanent. It may hide and not affect you for long periods of time, and then - just when you think you are “healed,” adoption loss can resurface when least expected.

Being a birth parent or an adoptee becomes part of your identity. You can run or hide from it, or you can incorporate the fact of it into your life. Being a triad member is part of who you are, but only part. You may have to struggle to not let your status as a birth parent or an adoptee define you entirely.

Adoptive mother and therapist Nancy Verrier says that that not only do you need to progress from feeling like a victim to a survivor, but there is one further step to take in order to heal: to become a full participant in life. How long that will take is anyone’s guess.

© Excerpted from the Adoption.com Guide to Search and Reunion, published by Adoption Media, LLC

Credits: Jan Baker