Stages of Reunion

Reunion is often described as an emotional roller coaster for some very valid reasons.
The stages of reunion are listed and discussed below:

• Excitement
  The early stages of reunion produce great excitement for most birth family members. For some, that giddy sense of excitement may last years. Finally being in touch with your lost family member is a heady and thrilling feeling. Beginning your new relationship may seem like an extraordinary and sometimes surreal experience. Reunion might well be ones of the most anticipated events of your life.
• Obsession
  Family members may caution you during early reunion about “getting carried away,” and the word “obsession” may slip out. Much like a new love relationship, you may seem infatuated with your newly found birth family member.
  Often, both parties may want to devote a great deal of time and attention to this new and budding relationship initially. After many years apart, it is quite easy to feel that you want to spend vast amounts of time together. People who are searching or in reunion often appear unable to think of much else!
• Confusion
  Eventually, there may come a time when certain confusing issues pop up. These may include for starters
  • how to deal with holidays;
  • figuring out this new family member’s role in your life;
  • how much contact should you have;
  • when to meet other family members; and
  • what to call each other.

Many reunion relationships are quite complicated. One of the most confusing times in this new relationship is when one party suddenly pulls back for a time. If your birth family member stops telephoning or emailing as often, or completely, it may be confusing and cause some pain and/or bewilderment. Fears may surface that your family member will disappear into the sunset, never to be heard from again.

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These “pullbacks” can sometimes last for months or years, and often no explanation is given. Pullbacks are not uncommon, and there can be many different causes which necessitate a pullback.

If you do need to pull back at some point during your reunion, try to explain to your birth family member why you need to retreat for awhile. Likewise, the other party needs to allow you some time alone and be patient and understanding.

• Figuring it Out
  Eventually, both parties will feel safe enough to begin to tackle some challenges in the relationship. In early reunion, most people are not confident enough to “speak their piece” or try to spell out how they see the relationship and its future. When both parties feel more at ease, a dialog should begin, and compromise and negotiations may be required.
  Unfortunately, it is rare that both parties have identical views on how the reunion relationship should develop. However, if you do not talk about what you want, you cannot expect the other person to be psychic and know. That does not mean that, just because you tell them, you will get all you want. It does, however, increase your chances of at least getting some of what you would hope for in the relationship. If you can master the art of communicating honestly and thoughtfully, it will help build the relationship.
• Acceptance
  For many, this stage is the most difficult to achieve. If you began with too many unrealistic and “pie in the sky” expectations, you may be feeling uneasy about the progress of your new relationship. If too many of your wants and desires for the relationship go unfulfilled, you may be frustrated and disappointed.
  It can be brutal to come to the realization that some of the high hopes for your relationship may never come to fruition. There is a temptation to want to make up for lost time and have the kind of relationship that might have developed had you never been separated. But no matter how strong a relationship you are eventually able to build with your birth family member, you can never totally repair the damage from all those years of separation. It is essential that you understand and eventually accept that truth.

The past cannot be regained, although we can learn from it; the future is not ours yet even though we must plan for it. Time is now. We have only today. ~ Charles Hummell

Only when you accept the reality of reunion will you be able to achieve some sort of comfort zone in your relationship with your birth family member. When you reach the point of accepting what cannot be changed, you are well on your way. Although you cannot make up for the past and ever have the relationship that was once possible, you can develop a warm , strong and satisfying relationship with your birth family member.

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© Excerpted from the Adoption.com Guide to Search and Reunion, published by Adoption Media, LLC

Credits: Jan Baker