Preparation for Reunion, Page 2


Hang on tight. Reunion can be the adventure of a lifetime! Reunion means many different things to many people; however, no one ever describes it as “boring!” The journey takes you through mostly uncharted waters, with few rules that apply to all.

The outcome of your particular reunion will hinge on a number of factors which include:
  • The number of years that you have been apart;
  • The personalities of the birth family members;
  • The support that each reuniting birth family member may have;
  • How much effort and energy each party is willing to contribute to the relationship;
As a long-parted mother with her child plays fondly with her tears and smiles in meeting, so weeping, smiling, greet I thee, my earth. ~ William Shakespeare

A realistic goal to strive for in a reunion is a relationship that is balanced with both parties contributing equally. In reality, the impetus often may fall on the party with more time, energy, or interest in keeping the relationship going.

Some adoptees search as a way to gain some control over their lives. Although adoptees will need to consider the wants and desires of their birth parent, the adoptee is entitled to have the main “power” in controlling the direction of a reunion. However, the onus to take the lead in consistent contact may sometimes fall to the birth parent.

There are no hard and fast rules. Like many issues that may crop up in reunion, both parties need to be open to communicating and resolving any differences of opinion. Respect for your birth family member’s opinion is of paramount importance. It is inevitable that you may falter at times; expect that you will. When you do fumble, apologize and don’t be too hard on yourself.

The Dance/Reunion Analogy

  • When you and your partner are learning a dance, you may want to tread lightly at first. Worries about stepping on each others’ toes are in play. Proceed slowly to avoid missteps.
  • Watch and listen to your partner and follow their lead. Sometimes problems arise when both parties attempt to lead. However, someone needs to take charge, and someone must follow. Communicate and work it out.
  • The dance will flow better and be more much graceful and less difficult if there is some skillful and well-planned out choreography.
  • Missteps are inevitable. In the process of learning about each other, we all stumble at times. Sometimes we may even soundly stomp on each others’ toes. It may be painful and hurt for awhile.
  • The dance can continue even after some baubles. The dance need not stop, nor is it over. You just keep working until you get it right.
  • One partner may leave the dance floor for awhile for whatever reason. The dance is temporarily halted at this moment. It is not over. The other partner is left on the dance floor confused, alone and wondering what happened.
  • You may hesitant to continue on. Tackling a new dance is a challenge. It requires dedication, energy and taking some risks.
  • Usually your partner returns after their hasty retreat and you continue on. You work out the issues that caused their departure in the first place and become stronger. Invigorated, you may be inspired to tackle more difficult steps.
  • Eventually, with a great deal of persistence, dogged determination and hard work, you perfect your dance routine. It is worth the effort, because the final result is beautiful to behold.
  • You are proud that you did not give up, and enjoyed the process despite the missteps here and there. It was hard work, but worth all your blood, sweat and tears, and you will never regret all the effort it took. You created something extraordinary!

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Credits: Jan Baker

 

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