Other Outcomes


Not all searches end in reunions. You may face rejection or a grave at the end of your search. Although it is rare, you may not be able to locate your family member.

Rejection

Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It is the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference. ~ Virginia Satir

After spending vast amounts of time, money and energy on a search, finding rejection at the end may feel like a crushing blow.

Try to keep in mind:

  • Your birth family member is not really rejecting you as a person. They do not know you, so they have no basis to like or dislike you;
  • Often birth family members who refuse contact are fearful, pained people;
  • The initial response may not be the final one. They might change their minds;
  • Your birth family member may not be able or ready to face the realities that reunion might entail;

No matter how well prepared you are for the possibility of rejection, it will still be hurtful if it happens to you. Allow yourself the time to deal with this difficult issue.

The Rejection Network Support Group is an online support group for anyone who has been rejected after a family separation. Check out the site for some support. Adoption support groups are familiar with the issue of rejection and they may also provide understanding and comfort if you experience rejection at the end of your search.

Adoptees Who Reject

Adoptees who reject may do so for any number of reasons. They may feel no connection to their birth family, may be too afraid to take the risk of reunion, or they might have too much anger to consider a reunion. Another possibility is that they might deny that a reunion with birth family matters.

In adoptee Casey Hammer’s book, Adoption Forum, there is a section discussing reunion rejection. An adoptee, Lori G, says for birth parents, that “Your child is rejecting you, the birth parent of years ago, and not who you are today. I also think that our adoptive parents play a big role in the way we feel about you.”

Adoptee and therapist Joe Soll says in the same book, “I think the only thing that stops people - makes them say no to reunion- is fear of their own pain and perhaps of exposure.” Mr. Soll is well known in the adoption reform community as an author and therapist who specializes in adoption healing.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

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Credits: Jan Baker