Making the First Contact, Page 2

By Letter

CAL’S STORY - Cal wrote a letter to his birth mother for that first contact. She was full of fear and not ready for reunion yet. It took her a full year before she finally responded to him. The waiting was excruciating, but Cal’s patience finally paid off. In his situation, no matter what mode he had used for that first contact, it would not have made a difference. His birth mother simply was not ready. He wisely waited until she was ready . They see each other often although several states separate them, and he is in regular contact with a large extended birth family.

Some people can express their feelings much better on paper than in person. If letter writing is a talent of yours, it might be for your birth family member as well. Like every avenue for first contact, sending a letter has its pros and cons.

LISA’S STORY - Lisa sent a letter via overnight delivery to her birth mother due to arrive on Lisa’s 50th birthday. She included her phone number. Her birth mother called after receiving her letter and sang “Happy Birthday” to her!

Positive reasons to write a letter for first contact:

You might be able to express yourself better in writing.
A letter may be a comfortable non-threatening way to initiate contact.
Sending a letter will allow your birth family member to respond at their own pace.
It could be a “safer” method for first contact as your birth family may feel less threatened.

Negative aspects of sending a letter for the first contact could be:

No instant gratification! You will need to be patient and wait for a response.
You may not be entirely certain that your birth family member received your letter.
A letter could fall into the wrong hands and cause some problems for a birth family member.

If you decide that a letter is the best approach, keep it simple and brief. Your letter should signal to the person reading as to why you are writing, but no one else.

By Telephone

If you love to talk on the phone, and want or need an immediate response, calling on the telephone might be a good option for first contact.

Guidelines for that First Phone Call

If calling your long lost birth relative out of the blue after years of separation doesn’t strike terror in your heart, you are a brave soul! However, the good news is that your chances for success are far greater than for failure.

Here are a few tips that may help you handle your first phone call to someone that you believe to be either your birth parent or relinquished child.

Call at a reasonable time. Do not call at the dinner hour, or very early or late.
Determine quickly whether or not your possible birth family member is alone or not. Mention that you have a private matter to discuss.
If they indicate that they are alone, plunge ahead. Ask them to take down your phone number early in the conversation. They may get somewhat flustered (a gross understatement) once you tell them why you are calling and hang up in confusion, with no way to contact you again.
If they indicate that it is not a good time to talk, ask them when might be a better time to call back. If they say, “never,” you might need to explain further why you are calling.
Mention that you are trying to locate someone that you may be related to, and ask if your birth date (or your child’s) has some significance for them.
Be prepared for several different responses. Silence may be one of them. If they say nothing, tell them that you understand that this call may be a shock for them.
Have a “cheat sheet” nearby in case you get tongue-tied and/or forget what you want to say.
Do not leave a message if you are unable to reach your birth family member.
If you do not reach your birth family member, do not “spill the beans” to anyone who happens to answer the phone.

TINA’S STORY -Despite all the precautions that I listed above, sometimes, you might need to disregard some of them, and be bold. If you have strong intuition that tells you to ignore some of this advice, listen and consider “breaking the rules.” My friend Tina ignored many of these suggestions, and yet had a very successful outcome. She listened to her heart, and took a leap of faith. It worked for her!

You can do everything just so; however, if your birth family member is not ready for contact, it will not matter.

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Credits: Jan Baker