Fears and Expectations


Adoptee Fears

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. ~ Frank Herbert

Here are some of the fears that adoptees may have:

  • Rejection. Fear of rejection is a major concern for most adoptees. Many adoptees feel that by placing them for adoption, their birth parents rejected them. Consequently, they may not be willing or eager to open themselves to the possibility that they will be rejected again.
  • Hurting their adoptive parents. There is no predicting how an adoptive parent will react to a search. If they are educated about the reasons to search, the chances are good that they will be supportive and understanding.
  • Handling the truth. Equipping yourself with knowledge and support will increase your ability to handle whatever truths are brought to light.
  • Discovering that they were conceived through rape. This crisis pregnancy site discusses the topic of the rape and the adoption connection. A support group called Stigma is another Web site to explore.
  • Finding a grave. As distressing as this result might be, there is some small comfort in finding some answers.
  • Not being able to find your birth parent. Some people do not find the object of their search, but it is relatively rare.

Birth Parent Fears

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. ~ Jan Glidewell

Here are some of the fears that birth parents consider when contemplating a search:

  • Rejection. The primary worry for birth parents is rejection, as it is for adoptees.
  • Finding a grave. Expect this discovery to have a profound effect. There is no way to prepare completely for this outcome.
  • What if it upsets the adoptive parents? Many adoptive parents are supportive of their children’s reunions with birth family. Be respectful and tactful, but how they react to reunion is up to them.
  • What if their child blames them? Finding a child who is dysfunctional and in bad shape can compound feelings of guilt. Keep in mind that birth parents do not deserve all the credit or blame for their child’s life.
  • Not being able to find your child. You either keep trying or give up and accept the situation. However, most searches are ultimately successful.

Courage is fear that has said its prayers. ~Ruth Fisher

  • Handling the upheaval search and reunion may bring. Most of us are stronger than we know. It is common to have doubts about what we are able to handle.
  • Will it interrupt their child’s life to be found? It probably will initially. However, “being found” has the ability to bring growth and peace in their lives.

A Ray of Hope is the story of a birth mother who was found by her daughter...

We must all face and deal with our adoption issues in our own time. People face their issues and learn to deal with them when they are emotionally ready to tackle them.

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Credits: Jan Baker