Fears and Expectations, Page 2

Expectations

Timing, degree and conviction are the three wise men in this life. ~R I Fitzhenry

What do you expect from a reunion?

Expectations can often be an obstacle during reunion. Before beginning a search, spend some time considering what you hope to gain, and keep your expectations realistic. Although reunions can provide healing and resolution, it is unrealistic to expect that a reunion will resolve all your problems.

What can you expect from others when you tell them of your search?

The reactions you receive from others will probably be quite varied. Here are some of the comments that you may receive.

Why do you need to search?
Isn’t the family you have good enough for you?
You should just leave it alone, and not intrude in others’ lives.
Won’t it hurt your adoptive parents if you search?
Good for you!
How exciting!
Shame on you, how ungrateful!
That’s great!
It is not healthy to dwell on the past.
She gave you away, why would you want to find her now?
Is that legal?
Didn’t you promise that you would never search?
That’s wonderful!

Try to keep your sense of humor when people make uninformed remarks. You may find an opportunity to educate others about adoption!

How hard will it be to find my birth mother or child?

There is no way to predict how difficult or easy your particular search may be. Expect that there will probably be some closed doors. Your search may be relatively easy, extremely challenging, or somewhere in between.

Effects of Search and Reunion on Adoptive Families

Both adoptees and birth parents are often quite concerned about the effects of a search on the adoptive family. A search will alter your life, and the lives of those around you. The changes can be positive and healthy.

“Message to Adoptive Parents,” written by adoptee Ilene Rachel, is a brief, clear, and concise statement for any adoptive parent with a child who is searching or reuniting.

Dear Mom and Dad is a letter that one adoptee wrote to her adoptive parents to explain her need to search.

Adoptee Carol Demuth wrote a book called Courageous Blessings that can help adoptive parents gain some understanding of search and reunion. Colleen Buckner, an adoptive mom who helped her daughter find her birth mother, wrote an sensitive article called “Once Upon a Time – A letter from one adoptive parent to other adoptive parents.” which helps to explain reunion.