Emotions that Surface at Reunion, Page 2
Anger
Anger at lies lasts forever. Anger at truth can't last. ~ Greg Evans
Anger can surface at reunion for many reasons. In closed adoptions, many birth mothers may discover broken promises, resulting in a great deal of anger. It was assumed that birth family members would never meet, and therefore keeping promises was not a priority in closed adoptions. Uncovering broken promises can produce tremendous anger.
Adoptees may experience some anger at reunion as well. Their anger may be based on any number of factors such as:
- discovering that their birth mother was not treated well;
- that they were not always told the truth about their adoption;
- if their birth mother refuses to divulge some information;
- that their birth parents “kept” other children; or
- if growing up adopted was painful for them.
There are other reasons that adoptees might be angry during reunion. As with birth parents, the possibilities are endless and differ according to the personalities and experiences of individuals.
Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to. ~ Harriet Lerner
Although we may think of anger as a negative force, if we channel anger in the proper way, it can be a positive and productive force. Some of the most active adoption reformers are reunited birth parents and adoptees. And yes, many of them are angry at the injustices they have uncovered.
Many - women particularly - are taught as children that anger is a negative emotion and should not be encouraged. However, anger has its place – and needs to be dealt with instead of buried and/or ignored.
Blame
Birth parents react to the revelations that come to them at reunion in a number of ways. When they discover negative aspects of adoption, they often want and need to blame something or someone for the adoption. This is especially true if they regret the adoption, or have not “moved on” as they were told that they would.
There are many players to share the blame. Lack of familial or community support, trusted advisors such as teachers, clergy, and social workers - all may be targets of blame for perceived lack of support, misinformation, and flawed advice.
Adoptees, too, often want to affix some blame. If their lives have not gone well, they might want to blame one or both sets of parents. They might want to blame their birth parents for issues they have faced growing up adopted. It is also possible that they might want to blame their adoptive parents.
© Excerpted from the Adoption.com Guide to Search and Reunion, published by Adoption Media, LLC
Credits: Jan Baker
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