Choose a Search Method, Page 2
Pros of Using a CI
- In a state that has limited access to adoption records, a confidential intermediary may be your best avenue to locate your birth family member;
- If you prefer that someone else initiate that first contact, a confidential intermediary might be a good choice;
- Some CIs are talented and very skilled at their jobs, and know just what to say to encourage contact. The skill of the CI particularly may come into play if the found person is uncertain about contact.
Cons of Using a CI
- You do not have the opportunity to make the initial contact with your birth family member.
- Using a CI can be expensive;
- Many CIs may have large caseloads and a search might take a long time.
- A CI who is not particularly adept at the job might not approach your birth family member in the best possible way.
- You have no way to verify the information a CI provides you. Although it is unlikely, it is possible for them to tell you that they contacted your birth family member when in fact they did not do so. This happens occasionally.
- If there is a form in the file which prohibits contact, by law, a CI cannot proceed.
Here is an article that cautions against using an intermediary.
The states below currently have confidential intermediary programs:
Arizona
Colorado
Connecticut
Illinois
Indiana
Kentucky
Maryland
Michigan
Montana
Oklahoma
Oregon
Pennsylvania
Virginia
Washington
Wyoming
If your state is not on this list, double-check to make certain they do not have CIs. Adoption laws change frequently, so double checking any information is a good idea. A very useful site to check a variety of information about your state is the Child Welfare Information Gateway.
SALLY’S STORY
Sally’s reunion with her son began wonderfully well. From the very beginning, he called her “Mom’ and their relationship seemed warm and natural. Then, Sally’s son stopped taking her calls, and ignored her emails. She was distressed, hurt and confused. She blamed herself and wondered if she had done something “wrong.” Finally, she was able to talk to her son’s wife and gain some insights into his abrupt withdrawal.
Apparently, his life had not been the perfect fairy tale that he portrayed it to be to Sally. In fact, some traumatic experiences had plagued his childhood. He was afraid to tell Sally the truth, and he needed to pull back for awhile to think things through. It took him approximately 18 months to do so. Eventually, he was able to resume their relationship and begin anew. Those 18 months were extremely trying for Sally. However, she used the time to work on her own issues, and never gave up hope that her son would be back in touch with her.
Sally’s reunion with her son began wonderfully well. From the very beginning, he called her “Mom’ and their relationship seemed warm and natural. Then, Sally’s son stopped taking her calls, and ignored her emails. She was distressed, hurt and confused. She blamed herself and wondered if she had done something “wrong.” Finally, she was able to talk to her son’s wife and gain some insights into his abrupt withdrawal.
Apparently, his life had not been the perfect fairy tale that he portrayed it to be to Sally. In fact, some traumatic experiences had plagued his childhood. He was afraid to tell Sally the truth, and he needed to pull back for awhile to think things through. It took him approximately 18 months to do so. Eventually, he was able to resume their relationship and begin anew. Those 18 months were extremely trying for Sally. However, she used the time to work on her own issues, and never gave up hope that her son would be back in touch with her.
© Excerpted from the Adoption.com Guide to Search and Reunion, published by Adoption Media, LLC
Credits: Jan Baker
California
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