Building a Relationship

If you paint in your mind a picture of bright and happy expectations, you put yourself into a condition conducive to your goal. ~ Norman Vincent Peale

What do you expect from reunion?

When fantasy meets reality – that defines what reunions are like. Expectations are often high, and sometimes people end up feeling disappointed. However, when we conquer our fears and search, we are usually glad that we did. One birth mother wrote a story called “My Perception and Reality” about her experience.


Decide what you want from your relationship, and work towards your picture of it. Never lose sight of the realization that whatever relationship you are able to form with your child or birth parents is a gift denied to many.

Even if the relationship that you form is not a warm and fuzzy traditional mother-child relationship, it will still much more than was ever considered in the system of closed adoptions. Aim for the stars with your relationship, but accept and cherish whatever type of relationship develops.

“Not an Easy Task” is an article about an adoptee’s reunion with her birth father and siblings. She says that, “Others need to know that meeting a birth parent has 24 hours of excitement, then you must face reality.”

The “Real” Family Talk

“You’re not my REAL mother” is an angry pronouncement some adoptive parents may hear at times. At reunion, some birth parents may hear versions of the same sentiment.


During many reunions between birth parents and adoptees, there is a discussion about who the “real” family is in the eyes of the adoptee. Most birth parents may not be expecting such a conversation. They may be blindsided by it, and left reeling. This particular conversation may be a painful discussion for a birth parent.

Many adoptees are fiercely loyal to their adoptive parents, and if they feel that their birth parents cross boundaries, they may feel a need to set the record straight and push their birth parents away. Hence, the “real family” talk ensues.

This discussion is basically a warning from the adoptee to the birth parents. It may be the adoptee’s way of reminding them that they consider their adoptive parents their “real” parents. It may be an attempt to define boundaries. The “talk” usually is initiated by the adoptee who cautions the birth parent to not forget that he or she considers their adoptive parents their “real parents.” It is a declaration of their devotion and loyalty to their adoptive parents.

It is important to understand how common this is, in early reunion. It is also crucial not to overreact to this discussion. Your child might be feeling conflicted, and trying to figure out where you fit in. However, do not take this talk as a personal affront. They may need to exert some control and remind you that they have another set of parents that they respect and love.

This is not a talk that every adopted person needs or wants to have with a birth parent; however, enough birth parents report versions of the "I know who my real parents are” talk to know that it is not uncommon.

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Credits: Jan Baker