Building a Relationship, Page 3
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The Five Cs of Reunion
Communication
Talk about issues when they surface. Be clear about your birth family member’s intentions before reacting, or in some cases overreacting. It may take some time to really know and understand this new person in your life. In the meantime, you may not always view their acts or words in the manner they intended. Not every move they make should result in a confrontation. Choose wisely what to bring up and what to let go.
Your newly found birth family member may have no clue at reunion how you feel about them. Reunion is, in some sense, a time for a second chance. They may have waited a lifetime to hear how you feel, and you have waited a similar amount of time longing to tell them.
Unconditional love with no reservations or qualifications is what you need to offer your birth family member at reunion. They may benefit greatly from knowing that they are accepted and loved by you.
Caution
Proceed cautiously with your relationship, and try to take it slowly if possible. Reunion relationships most often have vast amounts of baggage attached to them which make reconnecting difficult. Understand that it will take time for trust to develop between the two of you.
Sometimes reunion relationships that begin with a “bang” may also end in the same manner. While there may be a temptation to proceed full speed ahead, your relationship has a better chance for success if you can resist moving too rapidly.
Count Your Blessings
Closed adoptions included the assumption that the parties separated would never meet again. The meaning of closed adoption is no knowledge or contact. So, if you have any relationship at all, you have already beaten some really tough odds.
Consistency
Remaining consistent conveys that you are reliable and can be trusted. However, your birth family member may sometimes act in ways to test you in order to figure out if you intend to stick around. They may subconsciously need to determine how badly they can behave before you give up and retreat. This testing is a way to gauge your affection for them. However, if you pass the test, they may no longer need to continue with their bad behavior.
Until she spoke to her daughter, she did not know how her daughter felt about the amount of contact. Mia avoided any misunderstandings by being direct and honest. If they had not talked about this issue, her daughter may have been hurt and felt that Mia was losing interest in the relationship.
Making assumptions without checking with your birth family member can cause hurt feelings and lead to wrong conclusions.
Unless and until they specifically tell you to back off, keep proving to them that you are not going away. Remaining steadfast and consistent is an important part of the whole picture. However, this does not mean if they are blatantly cruel or abusive that you meekly condone such behavior.
Tip: If you are considering any change in the consistency of your contact, check with the other party first and get some feedback from them.
If you fold up at a cross word, or on every occasion when there is a perceived slight, you are showing your birth family member that your affection for them is conditional on their perfect behavior. If you withdraw every time they do not act as you think they should, you are leading them to believe that you are not trustworthy enough to hang around when things get tough.
For birth parents particularly, their children may believe that to have relinquished them to begin with, they may not be strong or trustworthy individuals. In their minds, the birth parent did not stick around when things were tough. Therefore, birth parents may need to prove to their children in reunion that they do not intend to repeat the past.
I was born to a woman I never knew and raised by another who took in orphans. I do not know my background, my lineage, my biological or cultural heritage. But when I meet someone now, I treat them with respect. For, after all, they could be my people. ~ James Michener
© Excerpted from the Adoption.com Guide to Search and Reunion, published by Adoption Media, LLC
Credits: Jan Baker
