Building a Relationship, Page 2

The Pitfalls of Making Assumptions


The danger of expecting your birth family member to act or feel a specific way can create problems in a reunion. Be careful to not make any rash assumptions about how the other party feels.

For instance, here are some of the conclusions that an adoptee may have been led to believe about their birth mother. They might believe that:
  • She was quite young and unmarried.
  • She was coerced or pressured.
  • You were unwanted and unloved;
  • She was drug or alcohol addicted.
  • She chose adoption over abortion.
  • She believes that adoption is a wonderful institution.

Some of these may be true. However, unless and until you meet and get to know your birth mother, you do not know how she feels. Resist the temptation to make assumptions that may be totally false.

Likewise, a birth parent might reach some conclusions about their child. Depending on what you read or hear, you might assume that being adopted was either an insignificant issue or an issue of monumental proportions. However, until you begin to know your adult child, you have no real way to know exactly adoption has affected them. Presuming that you know exactly how they feel can cause some friction. Before you jump in and discuss the subject of adoption or their feelings about it with your child, gain some insights into how they feel.

Here are some possible ways that your relinquished child might view adoption and/or their adoptive status and family:

  • They might hate adoption and feel resentful that they were not raised by their original family.
  • They might feel that their adoption saved them from growing up in poverty or other dire circumstances.
  • They may feel incredibly fortunate for the lives that they have had.
  • They may be embittered and angry.
  • They may want to thank you knowing that their relinquishment was a difficult decision.
  • They may feel cast aside, rejected, and unwanted.

Wait until you have a clearer idea of your birth family member’s take on various adoption issues before presuming that you know how they feel. You might be able to save yourself some grief by treading lightly in the beginning. The safest route is to avoid any assumptions.

What Do We Call Each Other?


What to call each other can be somewhat of a dilemma. However, it is unwise to get too hung up on labels.

Birth parents

Adoption.com had a forum discussion about this particular issue some time ago. An adoptee wrote a post on a forum and wanted to know, “Do I have to call her ‘Mom?’” She was quite distressed at the idea that she might have to call her newly found birth mother “mom”. Many posters reassured her that many adoptees call their birth parents by their first names.

Adoptees

What to call people who were adopted is often an issue, but less hotly contested than the “birth mother” issue. Nonetheless, there are some strong opinions on this topic as well.

Adoptees need to discuss this issue with their birth parents.
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Credits: Jan Baker

 

http://www.omnitrace.com/birth-family.html