After the Search is Completed, Page 3
Post Reunion Issues
There is an excellent article on post reunion issues that you can read and print for future use: http://forums.adoption.com/showthread.php?t=106320 . This article called "Relationship Stages After Reunion" details the "Honeymoon Stage", the "Time Out Stage", the "Showdown Stage", the "Disengagement Stage" and the "Solidifying Stage".
This can also apply to finding birth parents. Using the name Mom or Dad doesn't need to be an issue of loyalty. What is important is that you use a name that makes both parties comfortable. Discuss the use of names openly with your birth parent and find out their preference.
Holidays can be stressful to adoptees and birthparents that haven't had this special time together because of relinquishment and adoption. Holidays are memories of childhood experiences and family traditions that make us look forward to this time of the year. Sharing a holiday after a reunion with a birth parent is simply adding to your memories and experiences as an adult. You might want to schedule alternate years to share holidays with each family separately. Some reunited adoptees host the holiday gathering at their home, inviting both the adoptive family and the birth family.
DNA testing
The most common DNA test now is a Saliva Swab test. Many companies are nationwide and swab samples can be collected in your local Dr.'s office or sometimes a visiting health care worker can do the testing at your home. It takes several weeks for the results of the DNA test to be known. Tests reveal whether you and a sibling share the same birth mother and birth father or have just one parent in common. Adoptees and birth parents sometimes want the confirmation that they are related. A DNA test is the best confirmation.Success stories in reunions
More reunions are successful rather than unsuccessful. Like any other relationship you have to work at it and be willing to compromise. It helps knowing what you want from the relationship before you start the search. Some success stories you might want to read: http://forums.adoption.com/showthread.php?t=104193.Rejection in reunions
Prepare yourself before contact for the possibility that the person you are looking for may not be ready for a reunion. Most reunions are welcome but some are not. Some birth parents have never told their spouses or children about the relinquishment. If you do find rejection remember that "no" is not always "no" forever. Some initial rejections turn into positive reunions in time. Often the person that is found needs processing time to consider your request as stated in your letter. The person who initiates the search has already had the advantage of processing time. Click on this link for an article by Carol Anderson on this subject: http://www.rags-online.org/Carole-Anderson-article.htm. Another article on rejection by Marcy Axness: http://reunion.adoption.com/adoption-records/the-second-rejection.html.Finding a deceased birth parent
It is always difficult to find out that the birthparent that you have been searching for is deceased. Hopefully other family members will be willing to meet you and share family pictures and family history with you. An excellent article on finding a deceased birth parent was written by Karen Deluca: http://stories.adoption.com/story/grieving-peggy-finding-a-grave-at-the-end-of-a-search.html.Many adoptees have visited their birth parents gravesites as a way of finding closure to the search.
© Colleen Buckner
California
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